|Never is an awfully long time.
||[Jul. 10th, 2005|11:01 pm]
This Is Now
This morning, as I was packing up some of his things while Ron took the servicing kit to the Firebolt, my mind began to wander and I remembered being in the hospital wing with the both of them just before Christmas, watching over him. Ron and I were going to visit him, as he was in there to recover from an attack and we were worried about him. I'd wanted to take him a fresh change of clothing, and I had decided that I was going to read to them as well. Ron hadn't heard of the story, J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan or The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up, and I told him that it reminded me of us, of the three of us. Not everything about the story of Peter Pan reminded me of us, but there are bits and pieces here and there that did. That still do.
He was The Boy Who Lived, and he had so much responsibility thrust upon his shoulders, mostly unwillingly, but some of it he brought upon himself. He wanted to save everyone, to fight to protect because he felt he had to do it and not because he really wanted to get into it. What he wanted most in the world was a family, his family. He wanted his mother and his father, and more. He wanted to be normal and, while others viewed him as something abnormal, Ron and I always thought him that way.
The first time I saw him, I admit that I'd stared at the scar on his forehead. I'd read all about him, you see, and coming face-to-face with someone whom you've read all about is very daunting. But as soon as I shut the door to the carriage he and Ron had been sharing on the Hogwarts Express, I realised that he was just like me, just like Neville (whose toad I'd been looking for at the time), and just like everyone else. Ron knew that as well as I did; I saw that the moment I'd opened that door and spotted them together, stuffing themselves with sweets, laughing, and already forming a bond that was as thick as thieves and thicker than blood could ever be.
He and Ron rather thought me a nightmare at the beginning of first year. It wasn't until they saved me from the Mountain Troll that they considered me a friend, and I was glad for it, as I'd secretly envied the way they were so close and always laughing together. I'd never had friends like that before, and when they brought me into their fold I thought I was the luckiest witch in the world. They were so brilliant and fun, which I never told them because I was always after them to be serious, study, and follow the rules. To let them know that I secretly thought such things would have been daft; they never would have let me hear the end of it! But really, I like to think that I was as good for them as they were for me. Together, they taught me that it was all right to let go and laugh and not be so intense all the time, and I like to think that I taught them a little bit about organisation and how important it was to always try your best.
When we were second years, I became petrified by the basilisk. I was in that state for weeks, and I remember Madam Pomfrey telling me almost the moment I'd been revived that he and Ron had been in every single day to see and talk to me, even though they knew I wouldn't have been aware that they were there. He never gave up on me and neither did Ron. He never gave up on either of us.
We did so much together, the three of us. We avoided three-headed dogs and evaded Devil's Snare. We braved the Whomping Willow to rescue Ron and met Sirius for the first time. We made the best out of rocky times in all of our friendships at one time or another, even though it was difficult, especially during the ups-and-downs of our fourth year. Ron and I refused to leave him alone, even when he shouted and raged at us, accusing us of keeping things from him. We stood by Ron's dad when he was very badly hurt fifth year and fought Death Eaters with Ginny, Luna, and Neville. We grieved for Sirius together. We tried to understand that prophecy together. We tried to make sense of Sirius coming back to us together but decided it wasn't important, that it only mattered that he was back. We've buried housemates together and seen one another in the hospital wing more times than we'd care to remember. We've been on adventures great and small together and risked our lives for each other. We've comforted one another. We've been a series of firsts for one another. We've been a trio, the three of us together, for as long as I can remember.
We've been a trio for so long that I don't know how to be a duo.
I'm going to have to learn how, though.
He always said I could learn anything.
I'm going to learn what it's like to be without him and, for the first time ever, I am not looking forward to learning.
We're almost done packing, and it won't be long before Ron and I are unpacking in our new flat. I can't be alone right now, and neither can Ron, so we figured this would be the best thing for the both of us to do. I was looking forward to picking out a shelf space in my library for Harry, rolling my eyes and tutting when I'd catch him Flooing back from Ron's flat in the middle of the night after a game of Exploding Snap or Wizard's Chess, arguing over the best way to arrange the furniture, making him dance with me in the kitchen to some Celestina Warbeck song on the WWN that he'd hate like we've seen Ron's mum and dad do...but I have to learn what it's going to be like to not be able to do these things.
It's funny, the things you notice sometimes. I've not been paying much attention to the stars lately, and I used to always love to watch them, even when I was a little girl. Has anyone else noticed Sirius? There are three small stars clustered around it, and I've just never noticed them before. Maybe they were always there. Or maybe they weren't. My point is that they're there and I've just noticed them and they're so bright. It's probably daft, but I almost feel like it's them. Mr Potter, I told you that I'd take care of Harry for you. I did the best I could, and with all my heart. He's with you again, the both of you, so you please take care of him for Ron and for me, all right?
I'm watching you. Always. Second star to the right, and then straight on till morning.
I love you.